you're losing your memory now
by little town street
Summary: when erin lindsay is in a car accident, she loses her memory. forgetting the last five years of her life. au. linstead.


**AN: So I have no idea why I wrote this, I just did. I hope you guys enjoy. Flashbacks are in italics.**

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you're losing your memory now

summary: when erin lindsay is in a car accident, she loses her memory. forgetting the last five years of her life. au. linstead.

xxx

Erin Lindsay had just finished a mountain of paper work, she was the last one to leave the bullpen. Everyone else had gone. Jay had gone to get their three year old daughter from daycare a couple of hours ago. When Erin became pregnant almost four years ago, it wasn't a surprise to the rest of the team. The couple had been dating close to three years. Heavy rain was pelting down on the Chicago streets, Erin ran to her car as she didn't have an umbrella with her. After entering her car, Erin checked her messages, she had received one from Jay which read: _'Kim has decided to take the little monster out of our hands tonight, hurry home'_ Erin smiled, she couldn't remember the last time that her and Jay had a night alone. It also must of been because Kim caught Erin and Jay basically taking each other's clothes off in the locker room earlier that day. Erin replied: _'Leaving now, give me half an hour'_ As Erin was driving home, a car hit her on side on, this caused the car to spin out of control and Erin hit her head quite badly on the steering wheel. The car that hit her sped off.

xxx

Firehouse 51 received the call about a car wreck near district 21, when they got to the scene, all that was there was Erin's car, that was badly damaged. Sylvie and Gabby noticed the number plate, and knew that the car was Erin's. In the last couple of years, Sylvie, Gabby, Erin, Kim, Stella, Nat and Sarah had girl nights whenever they could.

"Guys, this is Erin Lindsay's car." Sylvie yelled. Gabby checked to see if Emily was in the car with her, thankfully she wasn't.

"Emily isn't in the car, but we need to get Erin out." Gabby said. Matt smashed the glass, and put a c-collar on Erin. After Erin was stable in the car, Hermann opened her door with the jaws. Everyone knew one thing: that Erin Lindsay was not going to die tonight. Erin barely had a pulse and she didn't wake up at all as Brett and Dawson were transporting her Med

xxx

"CPD in the house." Maggie shouted.

"Erin Lindsay, 37. Car crash. Don't know the exact details. Unconscious since we arrived on the scene, pulse is weak, head wound." Gabby said. A teenager ran in after them and went to the front desk.

"Is there someone I could talk to about the person who just came in?" The teen asked.

"What is this about?" April asked, who was at the desk.

"I saw the accident, this guy hit her, which made her car spin out of control, the guy then sped off, I called 911. I have a massive fear of blood, so I didn't help her. Is she going to ok?" The teen asked.

"The doctors are going to do everything they can." April said. Will saw Erin going into Baghdad and ran over to the bay.

"What the hell happened?" Will asked.

"She was in a car crash, a guy rammed right into the side of her car and then it spun out of control." The teen from before said, he was standing behind Will.

"Has anyone told Jay?" Will asked.

"No we haven't, she just arrived a few minutes ago." Dr Rhodes said. Will went off and called his brother.

xxx

Jay was getting worried, it had been close to one and a half hours since Erin had texted him. It wouldn't of taken her this long to get home, even if there was pelting down rain. He tried calling her, but there was no answer, he was about to call Hank thinking that she might of gone and seen him, when Will's name flashed on the screen.

"What is it Will?" Jay asked his brother.

"It's about Erin, she's just been brought in." Will said. Jay didn't say another word, he ended the call, grabbed his keys and headed to his car. Jay broke many traffic laws when driving to Med, when he got there he raced into emergency and went straight to the desk.

"Maggie where is Erin?" Jay asked.

"They're about to take her in to surgery." Maggie told Jay.

"What happened?" Jay asked.

"From what I was told, a car hit Erin on the drivers side, and that made the car spin out of control, she also hit her head quite badly on the steering wheel." Maggie said.

"Can I see her before she goes into surgery?" Jay asked.

"Of course, she's in Baghdad." Maggie said. Jay went over to the room and saw April checking her vitals.

"Can I have a minute with her before she goes in?" Jay asked, almost chocking on his words.

"Of course." April said, and walked out of the room. Jay went up to Erin and held her hand. She was still unconscious, because of the crash.

"Hey baby, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can you better be listening. You better wake up, because I don't know how me and Emily will survive without you. You're my other half and I never want you to see leave me, not in this life time." Jay said, silently crying. He then kissed Erin's forehead. A couple of minutes later Connor walked into the room.

"Jay, we're going to take Erin up to surgery now." Connor said, as the nurses were getting ready to transport Erin. Jay nodded and kissed Erin's hand before she was rolled away. Jay went to the waiting room, sat and just waited. About half an hour later, Will came and sat next to his brother.

"I heard what happened, where's Emily?" Will asked, as he was expecting to see Emily near by.

"Kim offered to take her for the night." Jay said, and in that moment he remembered that he didn't let Kim know about what happened. He was just too focused on getting to the hospital. A few moments later, Will was called to Emergency.

"Tell me if you need anything, I'll be around." Will told his brother. Jay grabbed his phone from his back pocket and called Kim.

"Hey Jay, if you wanna say good night to your daughter. You're too late." Kim said.

"Kim, I'm at Med. Erin's been in a accident." Jay said.

"I'll be right there." Kim said, and hung up.

xxx

Kim came into the doors of Med about 20 minutes later.

"Emily's ok, Adam is watching her." Kim said to Jay as soon as she saw him. A few minutes later, Connor approached Jay and Kim.

"The surgery was a success, Erin isn't awake yet, but you can see her. She's in ICU as a precaution." Connor said. Jay and Kim went up to the ICU. Kim stayed for about an hour, as she saw that Erin was doing ok, and Jay insisted that he was fine. Kim had also promised that she would bring Emily to see her mother, before she was taken to daycare the next morning. Jay had stayed with Erin the entire night, he didn't really move an inch. Erin woke up at about 6am the next morning, she didn't know where she was, Erin looked and noticed Jay, sleeping in a chair. All Erin wanted to know was how she ended up at Chicago Med. Jay must of been sleeping lightly, as he woke up and kissed Erin's hand.

"Jay how did I end up here? Because the last thing I remember that I was coming home from the bar after talking with Annie." Erin said. Jay was about to question Erin, however a Nurse came to the door.

"Ah you're up. Can I check your vitals?" The nurse asked.

"Yeah go ahead." Erin said. After the nurse check her vitals she walked out of the room. Erin hadn't seen Annie for months, which made Jay worried.

"Erin what year is it?" Jay asked.

"It's 2017." Erin replied. About five seconds after Erin said that, Will walked into the room.

"I hope you don't mind, but I'm just going to check some things out." Will said and walked over to Erin. Will shined a light into both of Erin's eyes.

"Erin can you tell me what year it is?" Will asked.

"It's 2017." Erin said. There was a slight chance that Erin would get memory lose from the crash, but Will didn't think it would happen.

"Jay can I speak to you outside please?" Will asked. Jay stood up and followed his brother.

"The crash caused Erin to have memory loss, we don't know how bad. We'll do another CT scan to see." Will said. Jay walked back into Erin's room.

"Jay what's happening?" Erin asked confused.

"Last night you were in a car crash, and it caused you to have memory loss. The year isn't 2017, it's 2022." Jay said. He also realised that Erin wouldn't even know Emily. She didn't really want kids to begin with, because of her mother and Jay understood, however after a night of celebrating, the two of them slept together. The sex had been sloppy as both Erin and Jay were both intoxicated. Erin was on birth control, however she had ran out a couple weeks before and didn't have the chance to refill the prescription. Nine months later Emily Camille Halstead was born, at 3am in the morning. Kim had come to visit, Emily was in her arms, her head on Kim's shoulder as she was still asleep.

"Kim did you have a kid or something?" Erin asked. Before Kim could answer, Jay gave her this look that meant they should talk outside. Both Kim and Jay headed outside of Erin's room.

"So what happened?" Kim asked.

"The car crash caused her to have memory loss. I haven't told her that we have Emily." Jay said.

"Ok. Just tell me when Erin is ready to see Emily." Kim said. Jay nodded, and kissed his daughters head. Jay then walked back into Erin's room.

"Jay, who was Kim holding in her arms?" Erin asked.

"She was holding Emily, she's our 3 year old daughter." Jay said.

"I would remember if I had a kid, and I don't want kids. You know that." Erin said.

"I know that, but about four years ago we were careless and nine months later, she arrived screaming her head off. She has your sassiness." Jay said. Erin was confused, how could she forget that her and Jay had a child together. She didn't know how to be a mother, she had a crappy one. Sure she looked after Teddy, but he didn't turn out too great either.

"How are we as parents?" Erin asked, she wanted to know if she was the horrible mother she thought she was going to be.

"Oh we kick ass at the parenting. Of course we're not perfect, but who really is." Jay said.

"So I'm not a horrible mother?" Erin asked.

"No, your an amazing mother." Jay said.

"I'm guessing Voight was pissed when we told him I was pregnant." Erin said.

"He was actually really happy for us and didn't kill us, like we both thought he would." Jay said.

"Can I see Emily tonight? I think I'm ready to meet her again." Erin said. What Erin said sounded weird to her.

"Of course, but I think I should tell you that you suffered post natal depression after Emily was born." Jay said.

"Why, I'm great with kids." Erin said.

"Dr Charles said it was because of your rough childhood, and you believed that you couldn't be a good mother, but let me tell you Er, you are an amazing mother." Jay said.

"How long did it last?" Erin asked.

"About six months, you knew that something was wrong in the first couple of weeks, you didn't want to be with Emily at all, you just slept most of the day and you didn't want to tend to Emily. You decided to go to Doctor Charles, because we both knew that this wasn't you." Jay said.

"Did you hate me or ever wanted to leave me?" Erin asked.

"No, I never wanted to, nor did I hate you. In fact I love you more and more each day." Jay said.

xxx

Jay picked up Emily from daycare and went back to the hospital. Emily was familiar with the hospital, as well as the bullpen. When Emily saw her mother, her face lit up. Jay had put his daughter down and she ran over to the bed. She tried to get up onto the bed, but she couldn't get up.

"Up up." Emily said.

"Remember what I told you Em, Mummy still has a owe." Jay said.

"It's ok, Jay. Emily can sit on the bed." Erin said. Jay lifted Emily onto the bed. Emily kissed her mothers nose, it was something she did everyday when the two were bonding.

"Hi Monkey." Erin said. She didn't have to be told that both her and Jay called Emily monkey. A few hours later, Emily had fallen asleep next to Erin. Jay had joined them on the bed. It reminded him of the nights when Emily was sick and she slept between her parents.

xxx

Erin was released from the hospital a few days later, when she entered the apartment that she and Jay shared, no memory came flooding back to her. Will did tell both Jay and Erin that it could take time for Erin to regain all her memories back. There was pictures all over the living room, most of them were of Jay, Erin and Emily, a few of the unit and a couple of Nadia and Erin. Jay hadn't mentioned to Erin that Mouse was killed a few months ago in combat. It still hurt Jay to think about his death, he still remembered the day he was told.

xxx

 _It was near 10pm, Emily was put to bed a couple of hours ago, Jay and Erin were about to head to bed as well, when there was a knock on their front door. Neither of them knew who would be coming over at this time of night. When Erin opened the door, she saw two men in military uniforms, Jay was right behind her. They knew what this was._

 _"Does a Jay Halstead live here?" One of the men asked._

 _"Yes, I'm Jay." Jay said to both of the men._

 _"I'm sorry to tell you this, but Gregory Gerwitz has died in combat. He wanted you and his family to know of his passing." The other man said. Jay, Erin and Emily had just spoke to Mouse the previous week and he was coming home in a matter of weeks. Mouse loved Emily and Emily loved her Uncle Mouse, he was her favourite Uncle. Jay started to break down and Erin was silently crying._

 _"Ok thank you for letting us know." Erin said, she then shut the door and hugged Jay. He just cried into Erin's shoulder. The two of them didn't really sleep at all that night, so when Emily came into the room at about 6am, jumping on her parents to wake them up, the both of them were dead tired and had been crying throughout the night. Coffee would be their best friend that day, Erin got herself and Emily ready for the day. There wasn't any meltdowns from Emily that morning, she could tell that her parents were upset. The three of them were out of the door by 7.30, Emily was dropped at daycare, Jay and Erin got coffee from a place not to far from the district and headed to work. The two of them had to tell the unit of Mouse's passing, but they just weren't ready. Hank noticed that Jay and Erin were upset, and called them both into his office._

 _"So tell me what happened?" Hank asked._

 _"We were told last night that Mouse died in combat." Erin said._

 _"You two can take the day off, and I will pick up Emily from daycare for you and she can stay at my place tonight." Hank said. Erin and Jay nodded and left his office._

 _xxx_

 _That night, when Jay managed to sleep was when the nightmares started. The two of them had dealt with his PSTD before and Erin knew how to handle it. There had been a couple of times when Erin hurt Erin in his sleep, but she forgave him and Jay felt like Erin was going to slip away from him every time that the violence happened. However Erin stayed because he still had demons and he never meant to hurt her. Erin woke and felt like someone was crushing her, she knew it was Jay and tried to wake him up. She screamed at him and he woke up. Jay let go of Erin._

 _"Babe, I'm so sorry." Jay whispered._

 _"It's ok, you had a nightmare." Erin said. Erin got out of the bed and went into the bathroom, turned on the light and looked in the mirror. She always checked for bruises after Jay accidentally hurt her after the nightmares. Jay didn't hurt Erin this time, which was a victory. Erin came back into the bedroom._

 _"You didn't bruise me this time." Erin said. Jay was relieved._

xxx

Jay didn't know what he was doing, when he and Erin went to bed that night. This Erin hadn't dealt with Jay's PTSD before. He should've just taken the couch that night, but he just wanted to be close to her. Erin woke up and Jay was choking her, she didn't know what was happening, but a few moments later Jay stopped and went back to his side of the bed. Erin got out of the bed and quickly grabbed a bag and some clothes for herself, she then went to her daughters room and grabbed some clothes for her and she put them in the bag. Erin then picked up Emily, who was still sleeping, she also picked up the soft toy that her daughter was holding.

xxx

Erin was now at Hank's door, she knocked on the door, it was close to three am, but to Erin's surprise Hank opened the door and he wasn't expecting what he saw.

"Erin what are you doing here?" Hank asked.

"Jay attacked me in his sleep, my first thought was to come here." Erin said and stepped inside the house. Hank could now see the visible bruise on Erin's neck.

"Did Emily wake up at all?" Hank asked.

"No, she's been sleeping this whole time." Erin said, and she went inside the house.

"Emily's room is the old guest room." Hank said. It clicked for Erin that of course Emily would have a room at Grandpa Hank's house, he loved that little girl to pieces. Erin went upstairs and put Emily to bed, she didn't want to talk to Hank, so she too went to her old room and went to sleep.

xxx

When Jay woke up the next morning, the house was quiet. He couldn't hear Emily babbling away to her mother, like she did every morning. He got out of bed and went into the living area, there was no one there, he then looked in Emily's room, the sheets were messy. Jay didn't even know what happened last night, all he remembered was going to sleep and now waking up to an empty house. Jay got ready for work and left. Once Jay arrived at work, Hank wanted him in his office.

"Jay do you remember anything from last night?" Hank asked.

"I don't, why?" Jay asked.

"Erin came to my door at about 3am, told me that you choked her. I thought you would of told her that your PTSD came back." Hank said.

"I know I should've told her, but I just didn't know how to." Jay said. Hank understood this, but was still upset with Jay. Erin wasn't at work that day as she was still healing from the car accident. That night, Jay went over to Hanks. He hadn't seen his daughter since the previous night and he missed her. Jay knocked on the door and Erin answered. Hank was either still at the district or at Molly's, the both of them didn't know.

"Jay what are you doing here?" Erin asked.

"I wanted to see Emily, and to apologise for what I did to you." Jay said. Erin stepped aside and Jay went inside the house. Emily was in the living room, playing with her toys. It was a little bit passed her bedtime.

"Daddy." Emily said, ran over to Jay and hugged him.

"Hi Monkey. What are you still doing up?" Jay asked.

"She insisted that daddy reads her a story." Erin said, from behind Jay.

"Ok little miss, I'm going to read you a bedtime story, then you're going to sleep." Jay said to his daughter. Jay picked up Emily and took her upstairs. Jay returned to the living room 15 minutes later. Erin was sitting on the couch, Jay sat next to her.

"Why didn't you tell me that you're PTSD came back?" Erin asked.

"I just wanted to be with you, and I just wasn't thinking." Jay said.

"Last night, when you were choking me I thought I was going to die." Erin said. Tears starting to form in her eyes.

"Yet you ran, and didn't even wake me." Jay said.

"I didn't know what else to do." Erin said.

"Erin you have to understand that I never intend to hurt you." Jay said.

"Have you ever hurt Emily?" Erin asked. She was trying to get a grip on the life she was meant to have.

"No, never. My PTSD hasn't been this bad since she was born." Jay said. Jay knew that Erin was covering the bruise with makeup as she didn't want Emily to know.

"How many times have you hurt me?" Erin asked.

"I don't want to tell you." Jay said.

"I want to know Jay." Erin said.

"I don't remember how many times, it's too many to count." Jay said.

"Please, tell me how I can help you. I don't want to fear for my life again." Erin said.

"You usually shout at me, then I wake up. Then you go to the bathroom to see if you have any bruises. I then apologise, and you tell me it's ok." Jay said.

"When did the PTSD get really bad?" Erin asked.

"About five years ago. It was a couple of months after Mouse went back into the Rangers. A close buddy of ours died, and I didn't want you to see how bad it became, I left and stayed at Will's. You wanted to help, I kept pushing you away, however you didn't give up on me, because you loved me." Jay said.

"Why did it start again?" Erin asked. Jay knew that he had to tell her about Mouse's death.

"Mouse died a few months ago in combat, that is what triggered it. I thought it stopped, but I think you almost dying is what triggered the PTSD again." Jay said. When Erin heard that Mouse died, her heart sank. Erin wanted to live the life she was before the accident, and helping Jay through his PTSD was apart of that.

xxx

Erin regained her memories slowly, while Jay received help for his PTSD, Emily had no clue about all of this. Her parents didn't want to bring her into these types of things, as she was too young to understand. The night of the car accident, Jay had planned to propose to Erin. However Jay had decided to put that plan on hold. It had been four months since the car accident and Erin had regained her memory. It was girls night at Stella's and Erin decided to go. It was the first since the accident.

xxx

"So who is looking after the kids tonight?" Stella asked. Every who was close to Erin knew that Jay was going to propose.

"Jay told me that Emily is staying with her Grandpa Hank." Erin said.

"The thing that I'm wondering is when is Jay going to man up and propose to you. You guys have a kid together. I for sure thought that you guys would have a shotgun wedding because of Emily." Sylvie said.

"We're quite happy living in sin, besides you know the rules of CPD, no married couples can be partners." Erin said. The girls kept on drinking for a few hours, until Erin called it a night.

"Ok, I'm going to call it a night, and head home to my amazing boyfriend." Erin said, she was a lot tipsy, almost close to be drunk. Erin hailed a cab and headed home. It was close to 2am when she got home, Erin didn't expect Jay to be up, but he was. Jay suspected that Erin would be drunk, its how all girls nights ended. Jay was sitting on the couch and Erin fell into his lap.

"So Sylvie mentioned about why we're not married yet, and that got me thinking. So will you marry me?" Erin asked, she was drunk and Jay knew this.

"Er, I love you. But you're drunk." Jay asked.

"So you don't want to marry me?" Erin asked.

"Of course I do babe, but you need sleep." Jay said. Erin was still in his lap. Jay stood up, still holding Erin.

"Where are you taking me?" Erin asked, as Jay was walking towards the bedroom.

"The bedroom, you need sleep." Jay said.

xxx

When Erin woke up the next morning, there was a glass of water and painkillers on the bedside table. This was what always happened after girls night. A few minutes later Erin walked out of the bedroom, and there was a plate of food waiting for her, also an engagement ring was next to the plate.

"Jay what is an engagement ring doing on the bench?" Erin asked.

"Do you remember what you asked me last night when you got home?" Jay asked.

"I'm drawing a blank." Erin said.

"You asked me to marry you. But the thing is that I was going to ask you to marry me the night or the car accident." Jay said.

"Jay of course I will marry you. I've wanted to marry you ever since I was pregnant." Erin said. Jay picked up the ring and slipped it on Erin's finger.

"So we're engaged." Erin said, and kissing Jay.

"Yeah we are." Jay replied after breaking the kiss.

xxx

Jay and Erin didn't get married for another two years, the two of them still wanted to be partners for as long as they could, also they acted like they were already married. When they did get married, Erin was pregnant again. It was a very simple wedding, not that many guests attended, and Bunny was not invited. When Erin and Jay said their vows to one another, both of them cried. Erin more than Jay. Jay didn't tell Erin where they were going for their honeymoon, Erin was only four months along, she realised early on that she was pregnant as her morning sickness was horrible. Jay had taken Erin to his cabin in Wisconsin. They hadn't been to the cabin for a couple of years, as they were busy raising a child and didn't really have time for lengthy trips. The cabin was beautiful at this time of the year, the leaves were falling off the trees, and the weather was cold, but not too cold. The couple spent their honeymoon being curled up together in front of the fire, walking out in the woods for long periods of time, Jay even pushed Erin into the lake, which surprisingly she enjoyed, Jay jumped in afterwards. This led to the two skinny dipping. This moment was unexpected, and that is what Erin and Jay enjoyed.

xxx

Later that night the two were snuggling on the couch together, when Erin spoke up.

"I keep wondering how we got here, because I thought that when I lost my memory that you would go running." Erin said.

"Erin, I've told you this before: I will never run from you. I care and love you, Emily and our future monkey too much to do that." Jay said. And in that moment Erin truely understood what Jay was telling her.

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 **AN: I hope you guys enjoyed this. Should I write another chapter? Also a update for _unexpected_ is coming, just give me time. I've been focusing on uni because of personal issues. I'll **


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